Hi Reader,
Happy 2025! I started the year with a bug that had me on the couch for a few days and a lingering cough. Very unusual for me, I'm usually pretty healthy and get a bit cranky when I'm under the weather. I'm happy to say I'm feeling better and decidedly less cranky.
At the start of a new year, many of us take a look at what we want to change or create. It's a good time to check on boundaries and the ability to align with your values and desires. In my work with clients, I find the art of saying no is a critical component of boundaries.
The Power of a Positive No
Saying "no" is often seen as a challenge—something we avoid, downplay, or sugarcoat. But when done with clarity, empathy, and intention, saying no can actually be a positive, empowering experience. This approach, often called a Positive No, allows you to honor your own boundaries while maintaining respect for others.
The Framework of a Positive No: Yes – No – Yes
A Positive No is built on three essential steps:
- Yes to Yourself
Start by identifying what’s truly important to you. What are you saying yes to in your own life? For example, saying no to taking on an additional work project might be rooted in a yes to your personal well-being or a creative commitment. Take the time to tune into the core values or desires driving your decision.
- No Without Overexplaining
Deliver your no with confidence, without guilt or unnecessary justification. Acknowledge the request graciously, then state your no clearly:
“Thank you for your belief in my leadership skills. I really appreciate it, but I’m not adding anything to my plate at this time.”
- Yes to a Positive Outcome
Offer an alternative or a way to maintain connection and goodwill:
“What I can do is jot down a couple of ideas next week and email them to you.”
This structure allows you to remain true to your values while offering a constructive response.
Why Saying No is Difficult
Most "no's" tend to be reactive—driven by discomfort, avoidance, or frustration—rather than thoughtful responses. Here are some common ways we avoid saying no and their unintended costs:
- Accommodating: Disregarding your own needs to go along with someone else’s request. This often leads to resentment and misalignment.
- Avoiding: Dodging the person or situation instead of addressing it directly. This drains energy and can damage relationships.
- Attacking: Responding with blame or making the other person wrong. Remember, a request is just that—a request. Assume the other person trusts you to take care of your needs and respond thoughtfully.
Crafting a Thoughtful No
Saying no gracefully and effectively starts with empathy and self-awareness. Here’s how:
- Show Empathy: Acknowledge the person’s perspective and effort.
“I appreciate the dilemma you’re in. I’ve been there too, and I can’t do what you’re asking. Here’s what I can offer.”
-
Tune into Your Values:
Take time to clarify what matters most. Ask yourself:
- What am I saying yes to by saying no?
- What values or desires are at risk if I say yes?
- What do I want to protect or create by saying no?
- What isn’t resonating about this request? What could be more aligned?
- Respect the Other Person: Actively listen, acknowledge their request, and avoid making them feel wrong for asking.
“Thank you for thinking of me; it means a lot.”
Practicing Your Positive No
Learning to say no takes practice. Start small with three simple no’s you can work on, whether at work, in relationships, or in your personal life. Saying no is often the first step to creating meaningful change. For example:
- Saying no to being taken for granted can set boundaries for healthier relationships.
- Saying no to overwork can reclaim your time and energy.
- Saying no to outdated traditions or expectations can make room for more aligned choices.
Each no creates space for a better yes.
The Benefits of a Positive No
When you center yourself in your yes, you stay grounded, confident, and aligned with your values. A Positive No fosters connection and respect while honoring your needs. It turns a potentially uncomfortable moment into an opportunity for growth and clarity—for both you and the other person.
Take a moment to appreciate the inherent compliment in any request and acknowledge it. Then, confidently deliver your Positive No and experience the peace that comes from staying true to yourself.
Final Thoughts
Saying no isn’t about rejection—it’s about alignment. By embracing the Positive No, you can create boundaries that serve you while fostering mutual respect and understanding. Start practicing today, and watch how saying no becomes a tool for connection, clarity, and empowerment.
Be Inspired,
Cathy
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